My pot of coffee was perfect this morning. I woke up at 5:35, ate my bowl of oatmeal, and filled up my travel mug to take to work. "My whole world begins and ends with you" were the words that filled my little car as I got in and started the engine with a rumble. And then I got to work. One of the student deans had been working the shift prior to mine and shared one of the most moving stories I have ever heard-- the kind of story that makes one realize what really matters in life and that maybe a real relationship with God isn't quite as unattainable as one would have thought.

I'm finding myself caught up in a bit of an existential dilemma and if you have ever heard of a man named Soren Kierkegaard you might know why. I have been raised in the church my entire life. I go through the motions; I even like the motions. I am part of a great community of people who are capable of showing an awesome love. And I have been a part of this "ethical sphere", as Kierkegaard would say, not fully realizing the meaning of my existence. The happiness and fulfillment I find in life cannot have its roots people because people fail. I cannot put my faith in my closest relationships because relationships fail. Faith is not something that I can obtain from anyone. To have faith is to be at a point where one stands in front of God, held accountable, holding on to the beautifully absurd notion that He cares for one's single existence. One on one. Me and God. Not me, God, and my church. Not me, God, and my mother's faith. Just me and God. And I think I am finding it to be a terrifying place to be, in a really awesome way. And suddenly everything is put into perspective. This idea is so freeing, in that one doesn't have to rely on anything in this world to bring fulfillment.

To put it simply, faith and my existence are beginning to hold deeper implications for me.

Circumstance can be good or bad. When they are good I can be happy and if they are sad I can mourn, but either way there is the possibility to have stability in my life. Stability in faith. Stability in God. A stability that isn't necessarily comfortable and doesn't always seem stable, ironically enough. And therein lies the paradox that Kierkegaard has presented to me. Maybe by the time I finish this "Formative Christian Thinkers" class I will have a better grasp on all of this.

Today, I am feeling very blessed, very happy. There is a freedom that comes with searching for oneself, as terrifying as the process may be.