My pot of coffee was perfect this morning. I woke up at 5:35, ate my bowl of oatmeal, and filled up my travel mug to take to work. "My whole world begins and ends with you" were the words that filled my little car as I got in and started the engine with a rumble. And then I got to work. One of the student deans had been working the shift prior to mine and shared one of the most moving stories I have ever heard-- the kind of story that makes one realize what really matters in life and that maybe a real relationship with God isn't quite as unattainable as one would have thought.
I'm finding myself caught up in a bit of an existential dilemma and if you have ever heard of a man named Soren Kierkegaard you might know why. I have been raised in the church my entire life. I go through the motions; I even like the motions. I am part of a great community of people who are capable of showing an awesome love. And I have been a part of this "ethical sphere", as Kierkegaard would say, not fully realizing the meaning of my existence. The happiness and fulfillment I find in life cannot have its roots people because people fail. I cannot put my faith in my closest relationships because relationships fail. Faith is not something that I can obtain from anyone. To have faith is to be at a point where one stands in front of God, held accountable, holding on to the beautifully absurd notion that He cares for one's single existence. One on one. Me and God. Not me, God, and my church. Not me, God, and my mother's faith. Just me and God. And I think I am finding it to be a terrifying place to be, in a really awesome way. And suddenly everything is put into perspective. This idea is so freeing, in that one doesn't have to rely on anything in this world to bring fulfillment.
To put it simply, faith and my existence are beginning to hold deeper implications for me.
Circumstance can be good or bad. When they are good I can be happy and if they are sad I can mourn, but either way there is the possibility to have stability in my life. Stability in faith. Stability in God. A stability that isn't necessarily comfortable and doesn't always seem stable, ironically enough. And therein lies the paradox that Kierkegaard has presented to me. Maybe by the time I finish this "Formative Christian Thinkers" class I will have a better grasp on all of this.
Today, I am feeling very blessed, very happy. There is a freedom that comes with searching for oneself, as terrifying as the process may be.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Well, it's a new year and I am finding myself at a loss for words. It has been a good year, a great year even. I have done many fun and exciting things and spent many hours with the people I love. But every year seems to be full of those things, and I am finding myself at a point where each year seems the same. Each comes and goes; just another year gone by. I am realizing that I don't want to simply let the years pass without intention. I don't want to sit back and take life as it comes; I want to make life. I don't want to go another year without improving my character. I do not want December 31, 2012 to come around and find that I am no closer to God than I am now. Time keeps speeding up on me and to be honest I'm having a hard time with it. I constantly find myself reminiscing; getting caught in the memories while letting the present slip right on by. So I guess my New Year Resolution is to live with more intention and to regain just on ounce of the ambition I had as a child. THAT being said, here are some highlights from a truly blessed year:
I became an Aunt for the second time on November 19 to Oliver Daniel Cunningham. He is absolutely perfect and such a handsome little guy.
My parents finally caved and got a kitten! We named her Hermione :)
Brewers game, bike rides, photoshoots, Josh Groban concert, cousin Abby's graduation, strawberries & summer, corn maze, and weekend in Milwaukee with the girls.
Twenty-first birthday, trip to Florida with the brother, Six Flags theme park, Christmas number four with my favorite guy, Thanksgiving with my adorable niece.
Sister, cousin, friends.
Here's to 2012.