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The Last Things I'll Remember

The partly open hay barn door, white frame around the darkness,
the broken board, small enough for a child
to slip through.

Walking in the cornfields in late July, green tassels overhead,
the slap of flat leaves as we pass, silent
and invisible from any road.

Hollyhocks leaning against the stucco house, peonies heavy
as fruit, drooping their deep heads
on the dog house roof.

Lilac bushes between the lawn and the woods,
a tractor shifting from one gear into
the next, the throttle opened,

the smell of cut hay, rain coming across the river,
the drone of the hammer mill,
milk machines at dawn.

-Joyce Sutphen

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to the most amazing woman I know! I love you, Mom!

I'll Be Your Emmylou

 My brother, Casey, and I have always seemed to butt heads. As children, almost every interaction involved fighting and crying. We spent one year of high school together-- his senior year, my freshman. There was little interaction between us that year, but it was nice knowing he was there considering my tendency towards homesickness. That being said, there were still times during our childhood when Casey could seriously be the sweetest big brother. I remember once he even bought me a Barney purse for my birthday. I found out about it and he got really mad at me, but still. As we have gotten older we get along much better-- that is, except for one area: those I deem worthy of his time and affection. In the past, there have been precious few (if any) girls whom I have considered to be good enough. Until now. 

Last Saturday family and friends gathered to celebrate the wedding of my brother Casey and his beautiful bride Kate. Their country style ceremony and reception took place in a field next to an old, wore down barn. Everything about it was beautiful, fun, and quirky, just like the happy couple. To say that I am happy for my brother would be a complete understatement. Knowing Casey, it is obvious that Kate was the one he was looking for far before he knew it himself. Seeing him so happy makes me happy,especially having witnessed the long search for him to find her. Kate fits in so well with our family and she fits so well with Casey.

Here's to Casey and Kate and a lifetime of happiness full of babies.

Young adulthood. It is said to be the time of life when one discovers one's identity. Apparently we go through childhood and, especially, adolescence in a constant search and struggle for who we are. However, I am finding my own experience to be rather different. I knew who I was when I was a child. Even into early adolescence, I knew who I was and where I stood; I was significantly more convicted in my values and beliefs. And then I left home for boarding academy, later to college. While I in no way fell off the deep end, I lost my grounding in many ways.  As I went through high school and college I began to see a world with blurred lines and complicated problems. I met people and had experiences that were faith shaking, to say the least. It seems to me, that the time in our lives when we are supposed to be "finding ourselves" is precisely the time when we lose who we truly are.

Society would have us believe that our late teens and early twenties are for self-discovery-- a time to try new things and make mistakes. Throw caution to the wind rather than proceeding with caution. But this is what I have found: all the "self-discovery" that I have experienced has actually been re-discovery. It seems to me that early adulthood is vital in the shaping of one's character for the rest of life.

Somewhere between the age of 15 and 20 I lost big pieces of myself. Now, as I concentrate on shaping my own character, it is those qualities that I strive to get back. Passion for whatever it is I may be doing. Excitement over everyday things. Genuineness. But the more I long to get back sincerity of my childhood the more challenging it proves to be and I want to go back in time and tell my 15-year-old self "don't lose this part of you. Hang out to it with all you have. That friendship, it's not worth losing your depth and sincerity. And that boyfriend, he in no way deserves to steal your innocence." The fact is, we all make mistakes when we're young. But I would suggest that when we reach this so-called point of "self-discovery" that we don't go searching for someone new. Because maybe what we need to journey back to the simplicity of our younger years. Take the sincerity of your childhood and combine it with the perspective from your adult experiences.Be genuine. Be passionate. Be bold. Be sincere.

"And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, 'Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become as little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me.'"
Matthew 18:3-5

Home Is Where Your Mom Is.

I couldn't have been more than five years old. I was feeling sad, burdened by the trials and tribulations a little girl of such as age is challenged with. I do not recall the reason for my distress, but I do remember feeling lonely. I approached my mom and as she recognized my distraught countenance she bent done and asked me the simple question: "do you need your love-cup filled?" In that instant she swooped me up, sat me on her lap, and held me tight. I laid my head on her chest taken in by the scent of her skin. She held me close and stroked my hair until when she asked if my love cup was filled I answered "overflowing." My mom has never failed to make me feel loved.

She has been the epitome of class, confidence, beauty, and self-respect. Her conviction is outstanding considering the things she has gone through and the challenges she has faced. She has faith unlike anyone I have ever known. And I know that any degree to which I possess these qualities is owed to her. She has been my sounding board throughout my whole life. All-nighters were never out of the question when, as a child, I was too scared to sleep, or now when there is so much weighing on my mind and I need someone to talk to. Her example has helped my mature in my own spirituality and relationship with God. And that is probably the best gift she has given me.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I love you so much; thank you for all that you do for me. I hope that someday I am as good of a mother to my kids.

"Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
She opens he mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her...
Charm is decietful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."

Proverbs 31:25-28, 30

You Aren't Like Them

Admit it. You aren't like them.

You're not even close.

You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them,

watch the same mindless television shows as they do,

maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes.

But it seems that the more you try to fit in,

the more you feel like an outsider,

watching the normal people as they go about their automatic existences.

For every time you say club passwords like

'Have a nice day' and 'Weather's awful today, eh?',

you yearn inside to say forbidden things like,

'Tell me something that makes you cry'

or

'What do you think deja vu is for?'

--Timothy Leary

Summer To-do List

1. Color Run in Racine, WI.
2. Chicago Art Museum.
3. Blueberry picking.
4. Canoe Trip.
5. Brother's wedding.
6. Read books that aren't written well. And some that are. (book list to follow)
7. Fly a kite.
8. Go to the beach.
9. Hike at the Dunes.

10. Try figure out what I should do with my life.

Ever come across a song that speaks perfectly to your present situation? It's cliche, but it happens. It happened. Also, this is lyric video is very well put together and pleasant to watch. That is all.

If You're Interested...

in some pretty useless info about yours truly, read on. The truth is, I'm at work and going crazy with the amount of nothing that goes on from 6:25 to 12:25 every day. So I stole this questionnaire from another blog.

1. Why did you start your blog?

Honestly, I'm not really sure. My friend Mariel is the one who suggested it. Sometimes I feel like I have important things to say... you can be the judge of that.

2. What is your name? (Or what do you wish you were named?)

Lisa Mae. I really like my name, actually. Although, when I was little I wanted my name go be Jasmine, go figure.

3. When is your birthday?

February 27th.

4. Name 3 jobs you’ve had in your life.

One of my first jobs was at a frozen dough factory called Bake-n-Serve. It was truly horrible. Fridays were the worst because those were the days everyone had to clean the machines. Basically, everything was hosed down it water and by the end of the day you were covered in soggy dough. The most enjoyable job I have ever had is working at a summer camp called Camp Wakonda. I worked there for two summers that consisted of campfires, marshmallows, sleeping under the stars, lullabies, amazing friends, amazing kids, covered wagons, indian costumes, and so much more. I could go on and on. Currently I work as a receptionist at the girl's dorm at my University. Obviously it's a pretty easy gig considering I can sit here and blog without interruption.

5. If you could have ANY job, what would you do?

This is where I get myself in trouble. I can't say that I have a dream job. There are jobs that I would like more than others, but I am really not very passionate about my career path. To be completely honest, the job I want the most is to be a mom. Plain and simple. I don't think there is anything I could be more passionate about.

6. What are you most afraid of?

Considering I am not passionate in my career choice I would have to say that my biggest fear is paying off my school loans. I try not to let it stress me out too much. I know that God will provide as long as I am faithful to Him first. I do as much as I can.

7. What was your favorite item as a child?

I used to have an Ernie doll (from Sesame Street) that I loved. Apparently I would suck on his nose. Until I bit it off. Which as I am writing sounds very strange...

8. What are 3 movies you could watch over and over?

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Gone with the Wind
Pride and Prejudice (A&E mini-series)

9. Your dream vacation would be…

Somewhere like Norway or northern France or Italy. I have never been out of the U.S. but if I did get the chance to travel I would want to visit Europe-- all the little villages and the countryside and not so much the big cities.

10. Must have snacks?

Pretty much, yes. Lately I am obsessed with almonds and dried pineapple.

11. Go-to outfit and hair?

I'm not the most fashionable girl. Sometimes I can be but it takes a lot of work and time... and resources that are unavailable to me as a student working through college. Jeans and a hoodie are probably my go-to outfit. I can say with certainty, however, that my go-to hair style is a french braid and that was long before Katniss Everdeen, mind you.

12. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?

Obviously it's the tops we all want, but yes, I do eat the stems. The real bummer is when the whole bag of broccoli is stems, like the Walmart's Great Value brand. Shocker.

13. Favorite ice-cream?

Impossible to decide. Well, not impossible. My longest standing favorite is Ben & Jerry's Dublin Mudslide.

14. Favorite day of the week?

Probably Saturday. It's the one day each week that I can completely put all my worries aside and focus on friends and family. It's also the day I go to church and take a break from things like T.V. and homework.

15. What do you do most often when you are bored?

When I am bored I most often go on Facebook and I hate myself for it. However, I am on Spring Break this week and have been watching Downton Abbey. I am on the second season and am loving it.

16. What is your favorite board game?

I'm not sure that I have a favorite board game. I like card games better. Pit, Skip-bo, Fill or Bust, those types of games are the best.

17. Favorite smell?

Charcoal grill, fresh linen, hay.

18. What’s under your bed?

Suitcase and shoe boxes.

19. Which useless superhero power do you wish you possessed?

Teleportation, for sure. To be able to see anyone I wanted at a moment's notice would be amazing. I am always missing people.

21. If you could meet one person dead or alive, who would it be?

Maybe C.S. Lewis. But I would also really like to meet my grandfather. He was a cowboy and I just know that he had great taste in Literature.

William Wisniewski. Chester, Montana circa 1959.

My pot of coffee was perfect this morning. I woke up at 5:35, ate my bowl of oatmeal, and filled up my travel mug to take to work. "My whole world begins and ends with you" were the words that filled my little car as I got in and started the engine with a rumble. And then I got to work. One of the student deans had been working the shift prior to mine and shared one of the most moving stories I have ever heard-- the kind of story that makes one realize what really matters in life and that maybe a real relationship with God isn't quite as unattainable as one would have thought.

I'm finding myself caught up in a bit of an existential dilemma and if you have ever heard of a man named Soren Kierkegaard you might know why. I have been raised in the church my entire life. I go through the motions; I even like the motions. I am part of a great community of people who are capable of showing an awesome love. And I have been a part of this "ethical sphere", as Kierkegaard would say, not fully realizing the meaning of my existence. The happiness and fulfillment I find in life cannot have its roots people because people fail. I cannot put my faith in my closest relationships because relationships fail. Faith is not something that I can obtain from anyone. To have faith is to be at a point where one stands in front of God, held accountable, holding on to the beautifully absurd notion that He cares for one's single existence. One on one. Me and God. Not me, God, and my church. Not me, God, and my mother's faith. Just me and God. And I think I am finding it to be a terrifying place to be, in a really awesome way. And suddenly everything is put into perspective. This idea is so freeing, in that one doesn't have to rely on anything in this world to bring fulfillment.

To put it simply, faith and my existence are beginning to hold deeper implications for me.

Circumstance can be good or bad. When they are good I can be happy and if they are sad I can mourn, but either way there is the possibility to have stability in my life. Stability in faith. Stability in God. A stability that isn't necessarily comfortable and doesn't always seem stable, ironically enough. And therein lies the paradox that Kierkegaard has presented to me. Maybe by the time I finish this "Formative Christian Thinkers" class I will have a better grasp on all of this.

Today, I am feeling very blessed, very happy. There is a freedom that comes with searching for oneself, as terrifying as the process may be.

2012

Well, it's a new year and I am finding myself at a loss for words. It has been a good year, a great year even. I have done many fun and exciting things and spent many hours with the people I love. But every year seems to be full of those things, and I am finding myself at a point where each year seems the same. Each comes and goes; just another year gone by. I am realizing that I don't want to simply let the years pass without intention. I don't want to sit back and take life as it comes; I want to make life. I don't want to go another year without improving my character. I do not want December 31, 2012 to come around and find that I am no closer to God than I am now. Time keeps speeding up on me and to be honest I'm having a hard time with it. I constantly find myself reminiscing; getting caught in the memories while letting the present slip right on by. So I guess my New Year Resolution is to live with more intention and to regain just on ounce of the ambition I had as a child. THAT being said, here are some highlights from a truly blessed year:

I became an Aunt for the second time on November 19 to Oliver Daniel Cunningham. He is absolutely perfect and such a handsome little guy.

My parents finally caved and got a kitten! We named her Hermione :)

Brewers game, bike rides, photoshoots, Josh Groban concert, cousin Abby's graduation, strawberries & summer, corn maze, and weekend in Milwaukee with the girls.

Twenty-first birthday, trip to Florida with the brother, Six Flags theme park, Christmas number four with my favorite guy, Thanksgiving with my adorable niece.

Sister, cousin, friends.

Here's to 2012.

Sushi Night!

November is speeding right along taking the sunshine and good times with it. I have so many papers piling up and I am beginning to think that my efforts to get them done before Thanksgiving will be in vain. I do keep this thought in mind, however, that each time the semester speeds up and I think that there is no possible way to get all my assignments done... I do. Somehow, despite the height and depth of my procrastination I get it all done (all praise be to God, He really is too good to me :)).

Anyway, amongst the endlessness of homework, papers, and tests I am given small, beautiful opportunities to do something fun and new and out of the ordinary. This week's fun has been brought to me by my incredibly thoughtful sister-in-law and brother. They sent me a package containing almost everything I would need to make sushi for the first time! And make sushi I did. And it was awesome.

I was somewhat nervous about the whole process, but I was able to skype Alisha, my sister-in-law, and she talked me through it. I have to say that I had so much fun! It really isn't hard once you get the hang of it. I love it because there are so many different options to go inside the sushi. I made mine with cucumber, avocado, carrot, cream-cheese, green onion, and salmon. It turned out to be very tasty and even my boyfriend, Sam, liked it (and ate a lot of it). I made enough to share with Sam's sister and brother-in-law. It was really great to just hang out in the middle of the week and eat some delicious sushi. Moments like that are kind of nice; the time when one can just take a break and enjoy good company and good food. It clears my mind and is good for my soul.

So I want to send out a special thanks to Alisha and Rob for completely making my week and giving me a chance to take a break from the monotony and grind of school! You guys are seriously the best!

Mail

There are a million things I need to be doing at this moment, but I am really excited about something. MAIL. I love it all: letters, packages, postcards. It just makes my day.

I started sending letters before I could even write. My cousin and I would color pictures for each other and send them in the mail. When we did learn to read and write, there was a constant flow of Lisa Frank letters and postcards between the two of us. My second most faithful correspond-er is my grandmother. I have always lived decently close to both her and my grandpa, but when I went to boarding academy she began to write to me about everything going on at home. I love getting mail from her. When I received her last letter the thought crossed my mind of how lucky I am to have these letters from her. I love everything about them; the neat,cursive handwriting, the pretty floral stationary, and most of all the fact that I will have this piece of her years from now. How amazing is that through letters we can save conversations, essentially, with people we love in their own, authentic handwriting? I save every piece of mail I receive. Cards. Letters. Postcards. I just have a feeling that some day I will be immensely grateful to have the words of the people I love, written by them, in their hand, on their special stationary. Sure, it is probably more efficient to send an email or Facebook message, but knowing that someone took the time to write you a letter by hand holds so much more value, in my opinion. Or to know that someone put together a package based thoughtfully on the things you love.

Recently I have received such mail: a letter from my grandma, a card and package from my Aunt Michelle containing CHOCOLOVE, my absolute favorite chocolate in life, and a package from my Aunt Corrine containing fresh Wisconsin cheese. Yes, you read it right. Fresh Wisconsin Cheese. And yes, my family is AMAZING.

So here's to snail-mail and its simple, quaint, and beautiful tradition. And thanks to my family for the supplies to get me through college!

Gosh, I love da Packers

Last weekend was fall break, and it was quite possibly the best fall break thus far. I took a long, 10 hour trip down to Atlanta with the Hanaway family and my sister. Among the amazing events that took place (which I will save for their own specials posts) was my very first Green Bay Packers game. I was somewhat saddened by the fact that my first game would not be at Lambeau, but it was amazing none-the-less. Here are the highlights in case you weren't able to catch the game:

As you can imagine, they have me pretty worried during the first half, but Aaron didn't let me down! Besides the fact that he is incredibly enjoyable to watch, he is a great QB and really a great guy from what I can tell:

"My goals have changed...I don't really desire any more to be the best quarterback in the NFL because I want to be remembered as one of the best men who ever played quarterback in the NFL." - Aaron Rodgers.

I love you, Aaron.

I have said it before and I will say it again: Packers fans are the best fans. By the end of the game we had taken over the Georgia Dome (so much for defending it, Falcons fans). There were very few Falcons fans who stuck out the whole game; most of them deserted at the beginning of the fourth... and they weren't very happy... or nice.

And of course one of the best things about the game was the people I got to go with! That Hanaways are seriously the best for letting my sister and me crash their trip!

Tailgating

5-0. Read it and weep.

My beautiful sister and I

What I'm Reading

1. Jane Eyre, By Charlotte Bronte

The first time I read this book I was about 12 years old. About half-way through it creeped me out so bad that I couldn't bring myself to finish it. Give me a break; what isn't creepy about strange laughter permeating throughout a mysterious mansion? Lucky, I was given another chance to read it for Women's Lit. I cannot describe to you how much I love this book. The depth of emotion, the struggle between heart and mind, the tension of moral uprightness in the darkest of circumstances, is incredibly heart wrenching and... brilliant. Read it. You MUST read it. And I dare you to not feel sorry for Mr. Rochester.

2. The Age of Innocence, By Edith Wharton, and A Room of One's Own, By Virginia Woolf

Both of these books were read in Women's Lit. The Age of Innocence gives a remarkable portrayal of Old New York; a topic that I had never read about and did not have much insight on. The descriptions are detailed, but not tedious and they make it easy to put yourself directly in the story; like you yourself are following Newland Archer through the parties, gossip, and scandal of the Countess. While the story-line is somewhat frustrating, the issues about society, class, and the way we perceive people is so timeless and applicable even today.

A Room of One's Own is an essay by Virginia Woolf about women in literature. It is interesting and she makes many solid arguments. In her essay, Woolf imagines that Shakespeare has a sister who has the same level of brilliance and talent, but who is never able to gain a creative outlet because of the constraints on women at the time. Good essay, not exactly leisurely.

3. Antony and Cleopatra by Shakespeare, and All for Love by John Dryden

What I am told is that All for Love was Dryden's attempt to "tidy up" Shakespeare's version of Antony and Cleopatra. It seems almost blasphemous to think that Shakespeare's work would need fixing, but I am human, so I appreciate the closure that Dryden gives in All for Love. He ties up a lot of loose ends and expounds on some of the issues that Shakespeare doesn't.

4. The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck

On top of all the assigned reading I have to do in Women's Lit, I have had to pick another book by a woman author and write a report on it. I picked this one because I started it this summer and I know I won't get a chance to finish it unless I make it a priority. If it is for a class, I can justify outside reading. Isn't that sad? Anyway, so far I am really enjoying it. It isn't a very difficult read and it is about a culture that I haven't read much about: China. The story is about two farmers who strive during the good years of harvest and make it through the difficult times of drought. I think I like it because crops and farming are things I can relate to; especially the feeling of having no rain. I haven't finished it yet, but so far I would recommend it.

Love

Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,

Guilty of dust and sin.

But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack

From my first entrance in,

Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning

If I lacked anything.

"A guest," I answered, "worthy to be here":

Love said, "You shall be he."

"I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,

I cannot look on thee."

Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,

"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord; but I have marred them; let my shame

Go where it doth deserve."

"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"

"My dear, then I will serve."

"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."

So I did sit and eat.

-George Herbert

American Honey

Since summer is officially over, as of today, I feel the need to send it out with one of my favorite summertime songs. I like this song especially because it reminds me of my own up-bringing. And now, because I tend to be wishy-washy, I feel as though I let the summer pass by without truly enjoying its beauty. I guess it can be hard to see the beauty in sitting at a strawberry stand in 87 degree weather; although I am sure it is there somewhere.

Gone for so long now, I gotta get back to her somehow; to American honey.

Celebrity 100

"The men and women on our annual Celebrity 100 list--the most powerful people in the entertainment business this year--earned $4.5 billion over the last 12 months by starring in films, playing basketball, walking the catwalk and more. But they also rose to the top by garnering influence."

-Forbes.com

Let me start by saying that I like watching movies, sports games, even America's Next Top Model. I like listening to music and going to concerts. It would be pointless and false to say otherwise. But something about the above quote just doesn't sit well in my stomach.

Are we so engrossed in the media that we freely put 4.5 billion dollars into it?

According to Forbes' Celebrity 100 List, the most powerful people in the entertainment business have more than just money. Lady Gaga took first place above Oprah because of her social status, which is built off of her 32 million facebook fans, and 10 million Twitter followers who are known as "Little Monsters."

The astounding thing about this has nothing to do with the moral issues involving the fact that Lady Gaga herself has this much influence (that in and of itself has serious implications about youth in America), but the obvious obsession we seem to have with celebrities in general. We watch their every move and hang on their every meaningless "tweet."

How backwards is it that people in America throw a fit over the amount spent for the protection of this nation, yet mindlessly throw billions of dollars into the entertainment business? And the ironic thing is that these people don't even realize it's a business. We are being sold these celebrities the same way we are being sold food in the grocery store or electronics at Best Buy.

When did simply enjoying something become a 4.5 billion dollar industry? Why must we take fun, even sometimes good, things to the extreme? Maybe we are trying to over-compensate for all the bad. Maybe we think that if we simply smother our depressing lives with entertainment we won't notice the state that we are in. But then we take the good and push it to such extremes that in the end it isn't helping us; it's consuming us. Music, movies, sports teams; they're consuming us.

And I guess the bottom line isn't (solely) that the entertainment industry is filth. I think the real issue is our pathetic attempts of ignoring the pain, hurt, and filth in our own lives. We are taking every chance we can get to escape from reality. But if we don't start keeping things real, we are going to lose ourselves.