Young adulthood. It is said to be the time of life when one discovers one's identity. Apparently we go through childhood and, especially, adolescence in a constant search and struggle for who we are. However, I am finding my own experience to be rather different. I knew who I was when I was a child. Even into early adolescence, I knew who I was and where I stood; I was significantly more convicted in my values and beliefs. And then I left home for boarding academy, later to college. While I in no way fell off the deep end, I lost my grounding in many ways.  As I went through high school and college I began to see a world with blurred lines and complicated problems. I met people and had experiences that were faith shaking, to say the least. It seems to me, that the time in our lives when we are supposed to be "finding ourselves" is precisely the time when we lose who we truly are.

Society would have us believe that our late teens and early twenties are for self-discovery-- a time to try new things and make mistakes. Throw caution to the wind rather than proceeding with caution. But this is what I have found: all the "self-discovery" that I have experienced has actually been re-discovery. It seems to me that early adulthood is vital in the shaping of one's character for the rest of life.

Somewhere between the age of 15 and 20 I lost big pieces of myself. Now, as I concentrate on shaping my own character, it is those qualities that I strive to get back. Passion for whatever it is I may be doing. Excitement over everyday things. Genuineness. But the more I long to get back sincerity of my childhood the more challenging it proves to be and I want to go back in time and tell my 15-year-old self "don't lose this part of you. Hang out to it with all you have. That friendship, it's not worth losing your depth and sincerity. And that boyfriend, he in no way deserves to steal your innocence." The fact is, we all make mistakes when we're young. But I would suggest that when we reach this so-called point of "self-discovery" that we don't go searching for someone new. Because maybe what we need to journey back to the simplicity of our younger years. Take the sincerity of your childhood and combine it with the perspective from your adult experiences.Be genuine. Be passionate. Be bold. Be sincere.

"And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, 'Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become as little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me.'"
Matthew 18:3-5

Lesson's Learned ( At A Cost)

I recently heard a story. This story impacted me greatly, but I didn't know why it should. I finally decided that it wasn't the tragedy of the story alone, but how common this story is.

Dick was married to Lee. They made a home with 4 little children. Nothing in this world is perfect and their marriage was no exception. What Dick wasn't getting from Lee, he found in Deloris. Dick left Lee and his four children and married Deloris. As the years went on Dick realized that being married to the once young, exciting Deloris was neither sunshine nor butterflies.

Those are the facts, here is the tragedy: Lee spent the rest of her life sunk in bitterness, while Dick often felt guilty for leaving his children fatherless. On Lee's deathbed she told her children she didn't want Dick at her funeral. She carried her hate and sadness to her grave. Upon hearing of Lee's death Dick went into a depression and died 6 months later.

The first thing I felt/thought when I heard this was "they were supposed to be together". I believe that Dick and Lee were supposed to be together. What got in the way? I don't know all the details of their life, I suppose only they do, but in my gut I ache for them. What could they have had if they were willing to work through their problems? What would it have taken for them fix them and if they had how many hearts would have been left un-broken?

I listened to this story while at my grandmothers house, meeting some distant cousins of mine for the first time and absolutely reveling in their thoughts and stories from the past. As I was leaving that night my grandmother warned me "be careful who you choose to marry". I can take that and so much more from this story. I don't mean to depress any readers with this; I only mean to provoke some thought. Some thought about how hasty we can be. How unforgiving we can be. How uncommitted we are. Most of all to provoke some thoughts about what COULD BE if we didn't give up. But now I feel like I'm rambling. So here's to lessons learned. If only it weren't at the expense of someone else's happiness.