Young adulthood. It is said to be the time of life when one discovers one's identity. Apparently we go through childhood and, especially, adolescence in a constant search and struggle for who we are. However, I am finding my own experience to be rather different. I knew who I was when I was a child. Even into early adolescence, I knew who I was and where I stood; I was significantly more convicted in my values and beliefs. And then I left home for boarding academy, later to college. While I in no way fell off the deep end, I lost my grounding in many ways.  As I went through high school and college I began to see a world with blurred lines and complicated problems. I met people and had experiences that were faith shaking, to say the least. It seems to me, that the time in our lives when we are supposed to be "finding ourselves" is precisely the time when we lose who we truly are.

Society would have us believe that our late teens and early twenties are for self-discovery-- a time to try new things and make mistakes. Throw caution to the wind rather than proceeding with caution. But this is what I have found: all the "self-discovery" that I have experienced has actually been re-discovery. It seems to me that early adulthood is vital in the shaping of one's character for the rest of life.

Somewhere between the age of 15 and 20 I lost big pieces of myself. Now, as I concentrate on shaping my own character, it is those qualities that I strive to get back. Passion for whatever it is I may be doing. Excitement over everyday things. Genuineness. But the more I long to get back sincerity of my childhood the more challenging it proves to be and I want to go back in time and tell my 15-year-old self "don't lose this part of you. Hang out to it with all you have. That friendship, it's not worth losing your depth and sincerity. And that boyfriend, he in no way deserves to steal your innocence." The fact is, we all make mistakes when we're young. But I would suggest that when we reach this so-called point of "self-discovery" that we don't go searching for someone new. Because maybe what we need to journey back to the simplicity of our younger years. Take the sincerity of your childhood and combine it with the perspective from your adult experiences.Be genuine. Be passionate. Be bold. Be sincere.

"And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, 'Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become as little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me.'"
Matthew 18:3-5

My pot of coffee was perfect this morning. I woke up at 5:35, ate my bowl of oatmeal, and filled up my travel mug to take to work. "My whole world begins and ends with you" were the words that filled my little car as I got in and started the engine with a rumble. And then I got to work. One of the student deans had been working the shift prior to mine and shared one of the most moving stories I have ever heard-- the kind of story that makes one realize what really matters in life and that maybe a real relationship with God isn't quite as unattainable as one would have thought.

I'm finding myself caught up in a bit of an existential dilemma and if you have ever heard of a man named Soren Kierkegaard you might know why. I have been raised in the church my entire life. I go through the motions; I even like the motions. I am part of a great community of people who are capable of showing an awesome love. And I have been a part of this "ethical sphere", as Kierkegaard would say, not fully realizing the meaning of my existence. The happiness and fulfillment I find in life cannot have its roots people because people fail. I cannot put my faith in my closest relationships because relationships fail. Faith is not something that I can obtain from anyone. To have faith is to be at a point where one stands in front of God, held accountable, holding on to the beautifully absurd notion that He cares for one's single existence. One on one. Me and God. Not me, God, and my church. Not me, God, and my mother's faith. Just me and God. And I think I am finding it to be a terrifying place to be, in a really awesome way. And suddenly everything is put into perspective. This idea is so freeing, in that one doesn't have to rely on anything in this world to bring fulfillment.

To put it simply, faith and my existence are beginning to hold deeper implications for me.

Circumstance can be good or bad. When they are good I can be happy and if they are sad I can mourn, but either way there is the possibility to have stability in my life. Stability in faith. Stability in God. A stability that isn't necessarily comfortable and doesn't always seem stable, ironically enough. And therein lies the paradox that Kierkegaard has presented to me. Maybe by the time I finish this "Formative Christian Thinkers" class I will have a better grasp on all of this.

Today, I am feeling very blessed, very happy. There is a freedom that comes with searching for oneself, as terrifying as the process may be.

Love

Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,

Guilty of dust and sin.

But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack

From my first entrance in,

Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning

If I lacked anything.

"A guest," I answered, "worthy to be here":

Love said, "You shall be he."

"I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,

I cannot look on thee."

Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,

"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord; but I have marred them; let my shame

Go where it doth deserve."

"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"

"My dear, then I will serve."

"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."

So I did sit and eat.

-George Herbert

Prayer and Praise

At my small church in Rice Lake, WI, prayer and praise could be its own event. Which wouldn't be so bad, when you think about it. Being able to share your concerns, problems, faith, and praise is healing. There is something really great about being able to share, out loud, to people who will take up your burden as their own- who will take your joy as their own.

Last Saturday, my Grandpa raised his hand during prayer and praise. This is so uncommon that I actually had to look behind to see who was talking. When I did I saw my grandfather. Praising God for his family- his wife, children, grandchildren. I heard him praise God for our church family- for being there for him and for praying for him. It was just one of those moments when I was so very happy to be where I was. So happy that I was able to hear those words.

I'm sitting here at work. School is out. I'm going to Florida in four days. After Florida, I'm going home, stopping in Milwaukee to hang out with two of my very best friends. Things are picking up and slowing down at the same time. I can finally read the books I want to read.

But I feel overwhelmingly insecure. Scared even. Everything seems so certain and then, out of nowhere, it's not.

Working front desk is hard when somthing is on your mind. It's hard to smile and greet people and not snap at them for asking stupid questions, or for assuming that you know every person in the dorm and how to conact them.

However, God is here. And as I was cleaning up the desk I came across this:
An Intimate Message From God to You
My Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you wre made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were concieved. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of you birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are feafully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Mathew 5:48
Every good gift that you recieve comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughs toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalm 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Sephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are broken-hearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepard carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate exprssion of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you recieve the gift of my son Jesus, you recieve me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8: 38-39
Come home and I will throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:17
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is... Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32
Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

All I know is that I really needed this. Maybe you did too.

You Were There

Because these words speak right to my heart, every time:

http://youtu.be/5R5jRz3IeMU

I wonder how it must have felt
When David stood to face Goliath on a hill
I imagine that he shook with all his might
Until You took his hand, and held on tight

'Cause You were there, You were there
In the midst of danger's snare
You were there, You were there always
You were there when the hardest fight
Seemed so out of reach
Oh, You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So there he stood upon that hill
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans
And just in time, You brought a lamb

'Cause You were there,
You were there
In the midst of the unclear
You were there, you were there always
You were there when obedience
Seemed to not make sense
You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So haven't I learned that my ways
Aren't as high as Yours are
And You alone keep the universe
From crumbling into dust
You are God and though we would
Not have understood You
There You were

Hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
Just all makes sense
With Your last breath

You were there, You were there
During history's darkest hour
You were there, You were there always
You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one
You were, You are and You will always be
the Risen Lamb of God

You were, You are and You will always be
The Risen Lamb of God

Fill Up My Love Cup

I have been back in school for two weeks and I already feel exhausted. I feel really... empty; like everything that I'm doing is for nothing.

I know exactly what's missing. And I know exactly what to do to get it back. But I have to wonder when I let it slip away? And why do I let it happen time after time after time?

I don't feel like my world is shaking, I feel like it's melting into a great blob of nothingness (yes, I realize how ridiculously existentialist that sounds). What I mean is if I'm not maintaing my relationship with the One who fills that empty feeling every time I ask, then what am I doing? I am comfortable in my Christian college taking my Christian based classes, going to church and following the rules but days, even weeks, go by without me telling a single person what God has done in my life. Me and God need to have some words.

I hate screwing up on no ones account but my own. I hate drifting from God. But I am SO thankful for His love that keeps drawing me back.

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38,39

"God has bound our hearts to Him by unnumbered tokens in heaven and earth."
Steps to Christ p. 7

So here is to a God that never gives up on our simple beings. May He "grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and lenght and depth and height-- to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:16-19

Dear God, fill up my love cup.

14

Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but O, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captivated, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy.
Divorce me, untie or break that know again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

-John Donne

It's God's Cave

I'm sure by now most people have heard about the miners in Chile who have just recently been rescued. But just in case look here. I was thinking about this story; how slim the chances of finding these men were, how long they survived in the cave, and how mentally stable they were upon being returned to their families. Not to sound like a religious nut, but I believe that Jesus is coming back soon. It seems like I'm always pointing out the tragedies to mark His coming (and there are many tragedies that mark His coming); but I forget that as the end approaches, God is going to reveal Himself further in His power, glory and His love for us.

"In His hands are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to Him." Psalms 95:4

Our God is bigger than the cave the trapped the miners. My God is bigger than the mountains. And He watches over His people.

I'm waiting for...?

I keep waiting for my life to pick up and start. I'm constantly looking ahead to the days when I'll be finished with school, possibly married, with a career. I don't really want to spill my guts, here. But I will say that coming to the point where your future isn't as sure as you thought it was, is somewhat unsettling. I'm working really hard on enjoying the very moment I'm in. This moment is good because I'm earning money (doing virtually nothing but gracing the lobby with my presence), I have coffee to ease this early morning, and it's Friday and rest is coming. This week is good because a relationship stretched thin has made some changes for the better, I joined the communications club, and I scored a 97% on my Spanish test.

This month is good because it's fall, the colors are changing and the weather is getting cooler; I'm doing well in my classes, I'm going home for a "Once in a Century" shopping extravaganza, and I get to see my niece (who is, by the way, the coolest kid in life).

This year is good because I'm able to be at Andrews University with my friends, I've been blessed with two jobs, I was able to spend my whole summer at home, I have a car again, and most of all; I serve a God who loves me with all His heart and He won't give up on me, even when I play hard to get. So I don't really know what I'm waiting for. My life has already started and it isn't all that bad.

Come Lord Jesus, Come.

Today I came across "The Decade in Pictures" at stumbleupon.com, ironically enough. I as I look through these pictures all I can think is- how can this not be the end? I'm so thankful for the hope that I have. How can I not share it with you?

"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I got to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also." John 14:1-3

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope; because of the Lord's great love we are not consume, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21

And Finally, "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5

This place is not my home.

God is My Apple Pie

Tonight I made an apple pie.
I used the same recipe from when I first started baking. It's simple, classic, always good. I know, that without fail, when I bake this pie it will be delicious. It isn't exotic, foreign or complex but it's classic. It's constant.I use the same blue mixing bowl and carefully add each ingredient, making sure the pie crust has just the right consistency at each step. I could do it blindfolded.

I make apple pie when I'm feeling happy.
I make apple pie when I need something familiar.
I make apple pie when I'm missing home.
When I'm feeling that I need one recipe I can make, without fail, I make apple pie.
God is my apple pie. He is the one constant thing in my life, without fail He is there. That still, small, familiar voice that comforts me when I'm longing for home the most. During the times when I have know idea what my future really holds, He's there; the one thing I can take with me throughout my whole life no matter where that may be. With Him, I know it will turn out perfect; my apple pie is perfect.

When My World is Shaking, Heaven Stands

Rain (And Pray) Away the Worry

This morning I woke up to the sound of rain. Normally, I like rainy days. They can be refreshing, almost restful. However today, it's bringing me down, making me feel tired and burdened. The dark hues of gray and blue seem to be somewhat of a reflection of my own disposition the past couple of weeks. I don't want to sit here and write about all my personal problems and worries. I'm sure you all have enough of your own; but I would like to share something that keeps me going. So if you're life seems rainy without much hope remember this:

"It is not the will of God that His people should be weighted down with care. But our Lord does not tell us that there are no dangers in our path. He does not propose to take His people out of the world of sin and evil, but He points us to a
never-failing refuge....
We may find rest and peace in God, casting all our care upo
n Him; for He cares for us." -Ellen White
"Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"Cast ALL your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Rain is a beautiful thing, I don't want it tainted with the cares of this world. I believe that God sends the rain to refresh the earth, and to clean away the dust; not remind us of all the things going wrong in our lives. Let the rain give you rest. Let the rain clean away the dust; but most importantly, let God do the same on the inside.